I'm Not Over
by best thing since cookies
Summary: Post-season 2. Addek-sorta. Based off of a poem called "One heart broken." Going to leave it as a one-shot for now.


_A/N This poem contained within this is not mine. I found it and used it to write this. I will post a link in my profile, but not tonight because I'm really tired. This may be a one-shot but I (obviously) left it open to write a full-length story. As well all know, though, I have other stories I need to work on. The title is from the song _I'm Not Over by Carolina Liar. _Oh, and at the end, with the list, the forward slashes ( / ) indicate check marks._

**I'm Not Over**

_One heart broken._

Addison clutched the panties in her hand and felt her heart shattering into a million pieces. It was really over, something she could admit with a finality that she had not been able to before The Panties. Prom Night. Everything had a title, and Addison was sick of living in Meredith and Derek's Fairytale.

_Two eyes shed tears._

The tears did not come until she was on the flight to New York. She called her lawyer, Richard, and her travel agent within an hour, and the process to end her marriage had begun. Her job in Seattle was over, her marriage was over, and her days of being a third wheel were over.

_Three words that will never be said again._

_I love you_. He had whispered those words into the darkness when he thought she was sleeping. Too afraid he would take them back while their relationship was so fragile, so ready to crumble, Addison said nothing. Addison was not a stupid woman. Derek still loved her, but he was "in love" with The Twelve-Year-Old. The Intern.

_Four hands, that shall never be held again._

Derek stared at the ring he had finally replaced on his hand and regretted the way things had ended. He had been informed by Richard, and later by the arrival of divorce papers, that Addison was no longer employed or in residence of Seattle, Washington.

Upon arrival at home, he found Meredith's panties on the table, with Addison's wedding rings beside them. She was simply gone. It was as if she had never been there—not a single article of clothing left behind.

It was silly, but, as he removed his wedding ring for a final time, all he could thing about was Addison threading her fingers through his. Even when their lives were in the midst of a chaotic love triangle, she would delicately slip her hand in his and smile. It could be the saddest, most defeated smile, but she always tried.

All he could think about was the fact that Addison was never going to hold his hand again.

_Five hours of crying constantly._

Addison's arrival at the brownstone was almost as heart breaking as finding Meredith's panties in her husband's pocket. It was bearable until, nearly a week after her arrival, her pregnancy test came up positive.

Five straight hours of crying over her luck put things in perspective, and she was able to pull herself together. It was a difficult situation, but she was strong. She would raise her baby and be great at it. Her baby would never want for anything in life.

_Six love notes torn to shreds._

Addison decisively packed up everything that reminded her of Derek. She was nearly twenty weeks along in her pregnancy, and everyday reminders of Derek were starting to wear on her emotions.

"Do you think sending away everything in your house is…wise?" Amelia, Derek's youngest sister, sat on a box filled with Derek's books and sipped on a martini.

"I want to start fresh." Addison taped a box and stood back. Her house was virtually empty. Any and all furniture had been moved to the house in the Hamptons, and all new furniture was set to arrive later that day. Her new life was going to be Derek-free and on the simple side. She wanted her house to be a home for her child.

Picking up the last box, she stumbled a little and the contents spilled onto the floor. Addison pursed her lips and stared at the shredded paper. It didn't matter that the notes were in shreds; she still remembered every word. The cute, short little notes written in med. school were embedded in her mind.

Almost fifteen years she had kept them, but in a fit of anger, they were torn to shreds.

Amelia watched silently as Addison crouched down and scooped the paper back into the box. She shrugged and took another drink.

_Seven days a week you'll think of him._

Addison rubbed her side and silently begged her daughter to settle down and let her rest. At thirty-two weeks, the baby girl inside her was very active—especially when Addison was trying to sleep.

Pursing her lips, she thought of a conversation that had taken place a few years into her and Derek's marriage.

"_I want an even number of children," Derek said suddenly. Addison sputtered as Derek began rubbing her stomach as if her womb was already occupied. "Four would be perfect—two boys, two girls."_

_Addison shook her head. "One. Maybe two." She rolled her eyes when Derek gave her puppy dog eyes. "We have our careers, Derek. I do want children, but we are at the beginning of our _very competitive _careers and any more than two would be career suicide."_

_Derek thoughtfully looked at her stomach. "You would look amazing with my child inside of you."_

_Addison's mouth twitched. "Huge stomach, swollen feet, and being beat from the inside by your spawn?"_

"_When you put it that way!" Derek laughed, "Seriously, though, Addi. I would massage your feet every night—hell, your entire body. I would make sure you were never uncomfortable if I could help it."_

Before rational thought could reenter, Derek's number had been dialed and the phone was to her ear. "Hello?" Meredith answered.

Addison hurriedly hung up and cursed her stupidity, tears rapidly forming. Why could she not forget him? Why did every conversation, every memory, replay through her mind ever day?

_Eight sad songs a night before bed._

Early in her pregnancy, Addison had a habit of playing her wedding music when she was getting ready for bed. She went through the stages of grief with that music:

He would leave Meredith and come back to New York.

Obviously, she hadn't been enough.

She hurt him so badly when she cheated—she deserved all the pain she was going through.

He was a sorry son of a bitch whose career would end with The Intern.

Why was she not enough?

If Derek was happy, she was happy.

There was finally a point where putting the music on was no longer a part of her daily routine. He was a constant in her thoughts, but she didn't need the soundtrack of their wedding to create her moods.

_Nine wishes that never came true._

Before the wedding, Derek and Addison made a wish list. There were realistic wishes for the most part (one of Derek's wishes involved discovering a gateway to Narnia) and things that they wanted to happen throughout their marriage.

Become surgeons /

Discover gateway to Narnia

Have children

Go to France /

Have a civilized dinner with Bizzy and The Captain

Host a successful holiday dinner

Open our own practice /

Have sex in every room on every property we gain ownership to /

Discover something new in the field of medicine /

Grow old together

Always work through problems and NEVER GIVE UP

Retire from surgery and travel the world

Make time every holiday for family

Never get to the point where "I love you" has no meaning.

It just wasn't in the stars for them. Addison hid the list away, in a medical journal in the study, where she spent as little time as possible.

_Ten years before he realizes that you were the one. _


End file.
